I’m a stickler for standards
I watch my p’s and q’s
And every other letter
Of the language that we use.
You might call me pedantic
I prefer the word precise
I stand up for correctness
My distinctions are all nice.
Should you imply, should you infer?
Should it be fewer, should it be less?
I’m the one to point it out
I clean up linguistic mess.
Placing the apostrophe
And spelling ‘desiccate’ –
Someone needs to make a stand
Before it’s all too late.
So when it comes to textspeak
Of course I never use it
As guardian of our mother tongue
I could never so abuse it.
For me there are no acronyms
No crude abbreviations
No emojis or contractions
Or suchlike deviations.
I always write my texts in full
They are models of precision
And I will always make them so
Despite the world’s derision.
I once texted from holiday
Writing properly on my phone
To ask my son how he was getting on
As we’d left him home alone.
‘Unecessary text’ was his response,
And I read his words aghast.
‘Two ‘n’s in ‘unnecessary’!’
My reply was firm and fast.
His equally quick reply
Lacked the gratitude of a thanker.
It was also about the letter ‘n’-
‘Only one in ‘wanker’!’